End of School

This morning I walked over to school to get a few things done. I couldn't help thinking about the past two and a half years there. I have learned so much and grown up so much as well. And soon it will all be in my past.

I remember when I first moved here. I woke up and cried because I was far away from home. Then I made friends with my roommates and another girl. This girl and I spent a lot of time together. My legs were very sore the first few weeks because of all the stairs I was climbing. I've hardly ridden in the elevator here.

I never got involved on campus in any clubs. I attended Campus Crusade for a while but didn't really connect. I enjoyed most of my classes. There were a few that I didn't like so much for various reasons but it was a positive experience overall. There are a few classes that I'll always remember.

Aikido - I took this class my first semester. I really enjoyed being able to dabble in another martial art. I even taught a few of the techniques in the dojo during our summer camp.

Biology - I remember being able to go on all these fun field trips and lab was fun. I remember the lab when we studied all different types of fruit and then we got to eat it. I tasted my first star fruit and fresh coconut. The lectures were fascinating.

Chemistry - This was my nightmare class. I didn't like it at all. But I did have fun in lab.

Nutrition - I just really enjoy learning about nutrition.

Group Fitness - This was a fun class. The tests were really easy and we did a lot of working out and experiencing all kinds of group exercise.

Principles of Human Movement - I was told that this was the hardest class but I found it easy. It was basically a physics class.

Principles of Strength and Conditioning - My teacher used a lot of bad language but once I got past that he was a crack up. It was a hard class but interesting.

Badminton - I connected with a set of twins and had a lot of fun playing with them all semester.

Volleyball - Just a lot of fun.

Physical Dimensions of Aging - An easy, fun class that I learned a lot in. The teacher was really good at keeping us engaged and participating.

Well, that turned into several so I better stop. Let's just say that most of the time I felt like I was having fun and playing. But then mid terms or finals would roll around and I would stress out like any other college student.

One of the things that I really enjoyed was my internship this semester. I learned so much in that. I also gained experience and it was fun!

Lots of other things happened here as well. I've shed lots and lots of tears in my dorm room. I've spent lots of time reading my Bible, praying, dancing (when no one was looking) and talking to my roommates. I had to deal with being away from home, missing my family and not being with them when they were going through tough times. I had to deal with my father getting sick and almost dying. I had to struggle through tough times along with my family. I had to deal with things that I never had experienced before like intense grief, sorry, depression, despair, and loneliness.

I did a lot of growing up. God did a lot to change me and to soften my heart. I got hurt a lot but I emerged stronger. And when I least expected it God gave me such intense joy and purpose. God sent a guy into my life and we started to fall in love with each other. It was a totally new experience. I learned (slowly) to open up and share my thoughts, feelings, struggles, and joys.

Part of me is sad to be done with school and leave this place. I have made friends and have had such fun times. But the other part of me is glad. For some reason I feel like if I leave this place then I will leave all that sadness behind as well. But I know that it isn't true. I will forever carry the memories and the scars of the past. But I know that they are a gift. I will be able to show my scars to those who are wounded and tell them that there is hope and that God will bring healing. I will be able to remember what it is like to hurt so much that I felt like my heart was ripped in two. I will be able to cry along with those who are hurting and tell them that there is always hope when we have Christ.

Wow, I opened up a lot more then I was going to in this post. I don't want to leave you sad and hurting for me. I have joy in my heart because God loves me. He has demonstrated this love towards us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Remember Christ's love.

God's Presence

One of the reasons I created this blog was to talk about my relationship with God. What He has done in my life and what He is doing. I feel like it is about time for another post.

In my relationship with God I'm the one with all the problems. If we aren't doing so well it's my fault. I have all the hurts and issues and questions and He is the constant one. I'm the one with the divided heart and the one that struggles and feels like I'm not even close. But as I think about all my problems I realize that God is bigger than all that. He looks past my failures and loves me for who I am. My issues don't keep Him away or stop Him from pursuing me. Even my sin is blotted out so nothing is between us. It is quite amazing to think about this love that is so deep and wide and long.

Lately I've been feeling like God is far away. I don't like long distance relationships. I need something close like right here beside me. I wonder why I don't feel God's presence like I used to. Maybe I'm not stilling my heart and my mind. Maybe God is choosing not to let me feel Him. Maybe what I felt before wasn't real. I don't believe the last one. It keeps on popping up in my mind though. But I know that I've felt the presence of God many times with different people at different churches. So I know that His presence is real. Maybe it's that I'm not hungry enough for God. There have been other times in my life that I've been hungry and desperate for God. I think the amazing thing is that even when I don't feel Him I know that He's here. I know that He will never leave me nor forsake me. I know that no matter what He is here beside me. Sometimes that promise is not enough for me. I want to feel Him, see Him, touch Him, hear Him. But for now I must cling to the hope that one day I shall be able to do these things.

God is good. He has given me so much in this life. He has given me more blessings than I could count. Most importantly He has given me eternal life. I love Him so much. I just want to love Him with all of my heart. But how can I do that?

"Rebellion"

A lot of college students enjoy their new freedom away from their parents. I was thinking about how so many of them get themselves into trouble experimenting or doing things that would really upset their parents if they found out.

I'm different. The most "out there" thing that I have done is to go into a Halloween store for the first time, actually go out and get candy at a Halloween event this year, and earlier this semester, watch Harry Potter. I've decided that my parents have done a good job brainwashing me into thinking that Halloween is a dark holiday that I should have nothing to do with. Or maybe it is a dark holiday that I shouldn't participate in. The Halloween store was creepy and I was glad to leave. I sometimes wonder why I'm so sensitive to stuff. Is Halloween just a harmless holiday or should we have nothing to do with it? Or should we just stay in the middle and say it's okay as long as we have "festivals" at our church that night and don't call it Halloween. Maybe it's okay to celebrate as long as we dress up like Bible characters and hand out tracts along with candy to all the trick or treaters.

All I know is that while watching Harry Potter is fun, for some reason when all the witches, vampires, ghosts and other characters come out on Halloween they creep me out. I feel sorry for my kids someday because I will be hiding in the house drinking tea and reading on Halloween because I'm too scared by the commotion outside. Perhaps their father will have pity on our poor costume and candy deprived kids and take them out trick or treating.

Rain...

The holidays are approaching. I view my birthday as the start of the holiday season. Today is making me think of the upcoming holidays. The rain outside makes me wish for hot tea and cookies and sitting around the fireplace. These things remind me of Christmas time. I'm also listening to Christmas music which is making me think of past years and the upcoming holidays. This year is my last one as a single child still living at home. Part of me is sad knowing that the Merry Christmas's of my childhood are in the past. The other part of me is glad knowing that I will be spending the rest of my Christmas's with the love of my life. I'm really looking forward to this year as we will be spending it together along with my family. The rain makes me wish it was Christmas now. I wish that I was curled up on the couch with him and a cup of tea.

Thanksgiving is still up in the air. We were planning on going to his parents for the holiday but it looks like we won't because of finances. Man... I wish school was over.

I'm Getting Married!!!!

I've been keeping another blog that is about my journey with my almost husband. It has made me neglect this blog. I thought it was about time that I post something new.

My life has changed drastically in the last eight months. I had no idea that I would meet the most amazing man, fall head over heels in love, get engaged, and then get married less than a year later. Life is good. God is good. I know that He brought us together. I never thought that I would fall in love so quickly and so deeply. But I did. I didn't think anyone would fall in love with me so quickly or so deeply. But he did. And now we are planning our wedding and spending the rest of our lives together. I'm excited about finishing school in eight weeks and then moving home. I'll be home for a month and then I'm getting married! I'm so excited for the day that I will become his wife.

Prayer Wardrobe

For some reason I feel like praying when I go into small enclosed spaces. I often pray when I am in the bathroom. Tonight I was feeling really sad and like a little kid I wanted to hide away. So I climbed into one of the empty wardrobes in my dorm room. Immediately, I said a short prayer and then after sitting there for only a minute I got out because I had homework to do. But then I realized that I really did need to pray. Someone actually asked for my prayer so I left my computer and homework and climbed back into the wardrobe with my Bible, a light, a pencil, paper and tape. I taped the paper up and started writing down names and praying for people. Then I read a chapter in my Bible. I didn't feel so alone while I was in there. I'm going to try to pray in there everyday for the rest of the semester.

A New Attitude

I have been really stressed out and even depressed for the past week or so. Today things are changing. I was in class and I heard exactly what I needed to hear. My professor was talking about stress and she said that what stresses people out is that they are not who they want to be. I realized that I am unsatisfied with where I am right now. I want to be closer to God, I want to trust Him fully, I want to be honest and open with my fiancee, I want to be able to forgive those who have hurt me, and I want to have more joy and fulfillment in life. I realize that I need to change my attitude. Instead of being unsatisfied, I need to be content with what I have. I want my fiancee to be here now but I have to be content with our phone calls for now. I need to have joy in whatever the circumstance and be grateful for what I do have.

There were a few other things that stood out to me and that I want to apply to my life. I need the will to continue to live in the face of challenges and to live joyfully. I need to persevere and have optimism, courage, commitment and dedication. Gratitude is very important as well as hope, faith and forgiveness. "...Forgiveness is not having to understand. Understanding may come later, in fragments, an insight here and a glimpse there, after forgiving."

And above all I need to put God first. That is the only way to insure that my life has meaning and a purpose. For I am nothing without Him.

Panic Attack

I'm not sure where I'm headed with this blog post. I just felt like blogging today even though it is too early to blog about today. I need someone to talk to. I have stuff going on and have known for while that I need to see a counselor. Well... this morning I'm having another one of those freak outs. I think I may be having a panic attack. I need help...

I decided that maybe I needed to read some scripture so I opened the Daily Light to today's reading. "I have indeed seen the misery of my people." This verse stuck out to me. Here I am feeling miserable, and God has the mercy to notice me. To know that God sees me in this time brings me comfort. The verses that follow talk about Jesus carrying our infirmities and diseases, about his suffering, weeping, and distress. Knowing that our Lord went through the same things that we are going through gives me comfort. Knowing that I am the apple of his eye and that He is always watching over me brings me comfort.

I just wish I would stop freaking out about my life.

Christmas in July

A couple days ago I randomly started listening to a few Christmas songs while I was on Skype with my boyfriend. We shared some of our favorites.

Tonight, I was reading and wanted to listen to some music and after browsing for a while decided to play my Christmas list. So, I'm listening to that music thinking about my favorite time of the year. I can almost smell eggnog, tea, cookies and chocolate. I can almost taste butter cookies, gingerbread, marzipan and cinnamon. I can almost see the lights and candles, the Christmas tree standing tall decorated with all the ornaments, my parents and brothers dressed up.

I picture my mother in the kitchen preparing Christmas Eve dinner. I'm setting the table with our nicest dishes, glasses, tableware and napkins. One of my brothers is walking around with the camera taking pictures. Daddy is bringing in wood and lighting a fire in the fireplace. My other brothers are helping Mama in the kitchen, opening the wine bottles, fetching the chilled drinks from the downstairs fridge. Soon everything is ready and we gather around the table, say grace and enjoy dinner. Afterward we clear the dishes, put away the leftovers, and then gather in the living room to hear the Christmas Story. I recite it from memory and then we start opening presents. They are handed out one at a time so everyone can see what each gift is and to make the present opening last longer. After the presents Mama makes tea and we sit around drinking tea, eating cookies and other sweets. We might watch a movie that someone got as a gift then go to bed after midnight. Or we might stay up building legos, playing with toys, reading, etc.

I love Christmas. Some of my happiest memories are during the Christmas season. Mama always makes it special and I want to continue this tradition when I have my own family some day.

Coughing

I've been sick with a cough for the past few days. It's sorta annoying to go from hectic busy schedule to now spending the whole day at home. But I still manage to keep myself occupied. My computer keeps me busy chatting with my boyfriend, watching Hulu, blogging and facebook. I cooked dinner last night which wiped me out and then I went to bed early.

Coughing is annoying because it makes your lungs hurt, your ribs and back ache and gives you a headache and a sore throat. But you all know that because you have had coughs before. I guess I'm just being impatient today. I want to be over this sickness. I'm tired of all this.

Tomato and Beef Pasta Sauce

I enjoy cooking. I don't cook very often for my family but I like to once a week. Tonight I was tired and a little sick but everyone else was busy so I browned the ground meat for dinner and threw in a few more ingredients to make this pasta sauce.



Recipe:

2 pounds ground beef
a few shakes of italian seasoning
some salt
grind some pepper over the top
1/2 red onion
~1 cup sliced mushrooms
a few splashes of red wine vinegar
a few splashes of Bragg's Liquid Aminos
1 can of tomato sauce
half a cup frozen spinach

Brown ground meat and remove fat. Add spices, onion and mushroom. Cook until onions are soft. Add red wine vinegar and Bragg's Liquid Aminos. Then add tomato sauce and spinach. Let simmer for a while. Taste and then make any modifications. Serve over any pasta you want to.

Internship

Yesterday, I registered for classes for next semester. I don't have an internship for next semester so I couldn't register for the internship class that I need in order to graduate. So my plan is to finish this semester and then return home to intern in the dojo next year. I will have to make a few trips down to school for my internship class during the spring semester. But this will be nice and give me an excuse to visit all my friends down there. I think this way my "last" semester is going to be less stressful. I'm already looking forward to school.

Another thing that I'm thinking about is getting a job for this fall. It would be helpful to make some money to cover car expenses and such. So, I'm thinking of places and working on applications.

Complaining

This summer had the potential to be filled with fun, family, and friends. But about halfway into it I've realized that I'm too busy to hang out with friends and do all the things that I really wanted to do.

I'm spending a lot of time in the dojo teaching. I really enjoy this and it has been the only time of "socializing" this summer. And not much socializing is done in a karate class where we only talk about karate and spend most of the time working out. I spend most of the time counting techniques, correcting and encouraging students.

When I'm not in the dojo I work for my Daddy, eat, talk to my boyfriend, and sleep. I still haven't had time to unpack and put all my dorm stuff away. I haven't had time to clean my room or my car. I don't have time to go to the beach, or the park, or even go for a walk. I don't have the time or energy to exercise. I don't have the time to work on my book or write more poetry.

But that's enough complaining. Life is pretty awesome when I stop to think about God and everything that he has done for me

Angel

Most people have a pet sometime in their life. All of these pets die sooner or later. We understand that death is a part of life. I've had few pets and Angel was the one that I had the longest. I never had the experience of my pet dying until today. I cried a lot. I cried more than when my brother's dog died. Angel was the sweetest bird that I have ever seen. She was pretty and soft. She only bit me once and that was when I startled her. This morning I had to bury her years before I thought I would. I will always remember her.

Love Has Come For Us All

“Love Has Come” – Mark Schultz

Well, I know this life is filled with sorrow
And there are days when the pain just lasts and lasts
But I know there will come a day
When all our tears are washed away with a break in the clouds
His glory coming down and in that moment

Every knee shall bow, every tongue confess
That God is love and love has come for us all
Every heart set free, every one will see
That God is love and love has come for us all

For anybody who has ever lost a loved one
And you feel like you had to let go too soon
I know it hurts to say goodbye
But don’t you know it’s just a matter of time till the tears are gonna end
You’ll see them once again and in that moment

Every knee shall bow, every tongue confess
That God is love and love has come for us all
Every heart set free, every one will see
That God is love and love has come for us all

Oh, and on that day we will stand amazed
At our Savior, God and King
Just to see the face of amazing grace
As our hearts rise up and sing

Glory, glory, hallelujah
Thank You for the cross
Singing glory, glory, hallelujah
Christ has paid the cost

Glory, glory, hallelujah
Thank You for the cross
Singing glory, glory
Christ has paid the cost

And every knee shall bow, every tongue confess
That God is love and love has come for us all
Every heart set free, every one will see
That God is love and love has come for us all

Love has come for us all
Love has come for us all

And every knee shall bow, every tongue confess
God is love and love has come for us all
Every heart set free, every one will see
God is love and love has come for us all

Every knee shall bow, every tongue confess
God is love and love has come for us all
Every heart set free, every one will see
God is love and love has come for us all

Summer 2010

Today was the last day of my finals. I am done with school for now. Only one more semester left until graduation. I'm looking forward to summer even though it means saying goodbye to the boyfriend for a little while. I have all sorts of exciting plans for the summer which might be busier than the school year.

What I'm doing this summer:

- Five weeks of karate camp in the dojo. Some weeks will just be one hour each day and other weeks will be four and a half hours.

- A little over a week long camping trip in Northern CA with some of my family.

- A trip to Texas for the USKA World Championships.

- Teaching karate five days a week in the afternoon for the whole summer minus the camping trip and Worlds trip time.

- Bonfires and hanging out with friends on the weekends.

- At least one or two weekend trips to visit relations.

I think that basically fills up my summer.

A More Loving Heart

A much loved man went home to heaven last night. He touched the hearts of many people. My friends are grieved over his death. My regret is that I did not open my heart out to him and get to know him and his wonderful wife. My heart aches for my friends and those I know in the community. I feel like I missed out on knowing yet another person. But I know that one day I will go to heaven and meet all the people who I wished I knew on earth and all my loved ones as well.

My hope is that I would be able to follow in the example of my friend who opens her heart to all people that she encounters. I want to be like her. I pray that God will give me a more loving heart.

Zeke

I don't care for dogs that much. I don't like it when dogs jump on me and leave dirt, mud, and hair all over me. I don't like it when dogs jump on me and scratch me or slobber all over me. Above all I don't like it when dogs lick me in the face. But there was one dog that didn't do all these things. He was a great dog and I thought that he redeemed all other dogs by his good behavior. His one fault was that he would run off. Sometimes it was for a short time and other times it was for hours. This fault led to disaster. This past weekend Zeke ran off and when he came back we could tell that something was wrong. He threw up that night and several times the next morning. We took him to the vet and they wanted to pump him full of IV fluids and give him an antibiotic and pain killer. He had a fever and was in pain. We thought he may have eaten some poison but we will never know. The vet kept him overnight and Zeke died Sunday morning. He was a great dog and I will always remember him. He celebrated two Christmas's with us and was a part of the family. Every evening he was allowed to come into the house and hang out with us while we watched TV and spent time together as a family. He earned a special place in the family and will be sorely missed.

"All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God."

I was recently pondering over this concept. I realized that I always fall short. Sometimes I fall shorter than other times. I find myself not loving God with everything I am. I don't live to my full potential and sometimes I fail altogether. But the blessed thing is that God's grace covers all my shortcomings.

A relationship works both ways. You have to meet half way. This is the same with my relationship with God. It works both ways. But the difference is that He makes up for my falling short. Sometimes He meets me half way but more often He meets me more than half way. If my salvation or even my relationship depended on my ability to love God and follow Him then I would be lost. Thanks be to God who makes up the difference that I lack.

Leaving the Nest

Last Saturday I released my butterfly. My boyfriend and I along with friends released our butterflies together. It was a beautiful thing to hold Tiny on my finger before she took off into the big blue sky. I'm glad that she is free and happy but I miss seeing her pretty self when I sit at my desk.

A New Butterfly

Tiny came out of her chrysalis today. She is absolutely beautiful. Metamorphosis is such an amazing miracle. It shows how God has the power to change anything that He wishes. He can take something ordinary like a caterpillar and turn it into something extraordinary. I didn't get to see her emerge from her chrysalis but I still feel like I got to witness a miracle. God has given Tiny a new beginning.

The day is beautiful but not just because of Tiny. I have been nauseous and my stomach has been bothering me for over a month. This last weekend I went to the emergency room because I started throwing up. I was getting really discouraged and wondered if I would ever be able to enjoy food instead of eating it tentatively expecting to get sick from it. My boyfriend and another friend took care of me. I was not alone because I had them and God with me. Family and friends prayed for me and today I'm feeling better than I have for over a week. God is bringing healing to my body. I'm not back to normal but I know that if I take care of myself I will continue on this road to good health. So today is not just a new beginning for Tiny but it is a new beginning for me.

Butterflies

Last week my boyfriend gave me a small painted lady caterpillar. (I decided that it was a girl.) When I first looked at her I couldn't come up with a name. I knew that she had great potential even though she was just a tiny caterpillar. Some day she will be a beautiful butterfly. I decided to name her Tiny. I couldn't take my eyes off of her. It was amazing to think that such a little thing that crawls around could become a beautiful butterfly with wings. Over the past week I have watched Tiny grow and grow until she became a big caterpillar. As I watched her grow I thought about metamorphosis (the process of changing into a butterfly.)

There are two times in my life that I went through a sort of metamorphosis. The first was when I was born. Before I was born my mother couldn't see me but she knew that she had a beautiful baby growing inside of her. She had no idea what I would look like but knew that God had amazing plans for me some day. My mother knew that I had great potential. The second time was when I accepted Christ as my Saviour. The old self is gone and the new self is come. The caterpillar in me died and the butterfly was born. I think the butterfly is an amazing illustration of being born again. We are still the same person but different at the same time. It is not until we are born again that we can reach our full potential.

There is a third metamorphosis that is still to come. When I die (or Christ comes back and calls me home) I will be given a new body. This resurrection body is going to be beautiful and amazing. I'm not sure what I will look like but I do know that it is still going to be me. I know that I have not reached my full potential. I know that God has amazing plans for me in this life but He also has great plans for the next life.

Yesterday, Tiny made her chrysalis. She is going through the changing process. I'm looking forward to seeing my little baby come out totally changed into a new creation. I can't wait to see her flutter her wings and fly away when I release her. It is a beautiful thing to look forward to. But I'm also enjoying every moment of the process. Every stage of her life is beautiful to me.

Self Consciousness

This thing called self consciousness is interesting. It keeps people from doing and saying things. When I was younger I was way more self conscious than I am now. The one thing that I regret is that it kept me from enjoying myself at times. I am still self conscious to a degree but I don't care what others think as much as a used to. I do care about their feelings because I don't want to hurt them. But sometimes you end up hurting people more by staying silent or refusing to do something that you think is goofy, childish or just plain crazy. I think it is more important to be yourself. When you are yourself people can see that you are not perfect and they appreciate who you are. I consider my best friends to be the ones that I am comfortable being myself around them. The friends who I can act crazy with. My best friends are the ones who I don't have to worry about them getting upset over something careless that I said or did. They understand that my intentions toward them are good.

My challenge to you is this: let down your guard and have fun.

Step By Step

In October 2008 I posted this

http://miriamthemouse.blogspot.com/2008/10/jesus-freak.html

I also changed my about me blurb to "I am a young woman who is crazy in love with Jesus and willing to follow Him anywhere."

I have been dwelling on this recently. My one desire is to do the will of God. If God wants me to go I will go and if God wants me to stay then I will stay. I think that I have finally come to the point where I am ready to go wherever he leads. But I struggle with not knowing where I am headed. It is as if I can only see a few steps ahead. I know that I am on the right path but I can't see into the future. I have no idea how my life is going to change. It is hard to have faith that God will continue to show me the way. I guess I'm just frightened that one day I will be at a place with roads heading off in many different directions and will not know which one to chose. I'm afraid that I will be left stranded in a helpless state not knowing where to go.

So I have to remind myself that God will never leave me. I have to remind myself that God is going to show the way. I just have to take life one step of faith at a time while trusting that God will lead me. It's scary not to see ahead but I have the confidence that God will keep holding my hand throughout the journey.

He Has Restored Unto Me The Joy of His Salvation

I've been thinking back to a year ago and realized how far God has brought me. God was there with me during that time of pain and sorrow when I thought I was going to lose my Daddy. God was there when no one else could comfort me. God was there through the heartache and the pain. God was there drawing me back to His heart. In this past year God has been healing my heart from the sin and sorrow and making me new. It is amazing grace that has brought me to the place that I am now.

God has torn down walls in my life and given me the greatest grace and love. He has restored unto me the joy of His salvation and granted me a willing heart. God has given me a heart of greater love, forgiveness, and compassion. He has given me new friends that care about me and encourage me. I know that I will always have the scars to remind me of the past. But I am thankful of them because they remind me of how great my God is.

You may be going through a difficult time right now. I want to encourage you to press on and keep going. Let God bring you out of whatever you may be going through. He will not disappoint you. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

On a Hill Stood a Cross

I often visit my grandparents on the weekends. On the drive to their house I go past this bare hill with a cross on it. During the night it is lit up with white lights. In the middle of a secular world there is this cross, reminding me of Jesus and the redemption story. It means a lot to me and I never miss it. Sometimes it is little things that help us to shift our focus back on Christ.

Living Wholeheartedly

Three weeks ago I made a commitment to to God to follow Him 100% again. I don't know why my life has so many ups and downs but right now I am on a up and hope to be so forever. God is giving me strength to live a life of greater purity. It is difficult but God is strong and I rely on Him not myself. The past three weeks have not been perfect, they are not without difficulty, but they have been weeks of freedom.

Give Me a Pure Heart

Give Us Clean Hands by Chris Tomlin

We bow our hearts
We bend our knees
Oh Spirit come make us humble
We turn our eyes
From evil things
Oh Lord we cast down our idols

So give us clean hands
and give us pure hearts
Let us not lift our souls to another
Oh give us clean hands
and give us pure hearts
Let us not lift our souls to another
Oh God let this be
a generation that seeks
that seeks Your face, Oh God of Jacob
Oh God let us be
a generation that seeks
that seeks Your face, Oh God of Jacob


I can remember first singing this song at a youth conference that I went to. It really spoke to me then and this morning it convicted me. I would be a hypocrite if I let you think that this song describes me. It actually describes the opposite. I am prideful, looking at evil things and worshipping idols. I am not seeking after God. It makes me feel terrible to say it but one thing that I decided to do last year is to tell the truth more. If I lied and said that everything was peachy keen with me it wouldn't help me at all and would probably make you feel terrible because you are struggling with these things as well.

I want this song to describe me. I want to be humble before God and I want to turn my eyes away from the evil things around me. I want to turn my thoughts toward God. I want to be the generation that seeks after God. I want to have clean hands and a pure heart. Someone once told me last year that I had a pure heart and I wanted to tell them that I didn't. My heart it as bad as the person next to me. But if I want to seek after God isn't that seeking? I guess my hearts in the right place. I understand that I have a need for more of God in my life.

The truth of the matter is that I would be lower than dirt if it wasn't for the grace, forgiveness, and love of the Father who picked me up from the mud and raised me from my life of death. If it wasn't for the wonderful amazing grace of God I would still be dirtier than dirt. If it wasn't for the cleansing blood of Jesus then my heart would still be as black as coal. But God has saved me and raised me and made me whole. Jesus has cleansed me and now I am white as pure snow. It is amazing to think of the grace of God. I don't understand how I can be dirty yet clean. I just can't get my little brain around the awesomeness of God. But I suppose that is a good thing.

New Year's Resolutions 2010

-know God more
-graduate with at least a 3.5 GPA (in December)
-make candles this summer
-write more