Fear

My pastor (I love saying that. I'm so glad I have a pastor.) has been preaching about fear. The two sermons have been really good. Pastor Chris (two of the pastors who have made an impact in my life are named Chris. The other is Chris Swanson.) has been talking about the fear of rejection and the fear of failure. I totally fear rejection. I will say something stupid and beat myself up about it later all because I'm too concerned what others think. I am afraid that my friends don't really like me and are really annoyed by me. I am afraid that no guy will ever ask to marry me. I am afraid that I'll be alone except for my family who likes me just because that is what family is supposed to do. Does God like me? Of course He does. He is the only one that I'm confident in.

I sometimes think of compromising my standards so I'll attract a guy. Maybe if I date instead of court someone will actually ask me out. Maybe I should ask him out instead of waiting for him to ask me out. Well I can't do that because I feel like it is wrong. God wants guys to be the leaders.

My second fear is failing. What happens if I fail to get married or fail to make money or fail a class or fail to do anything or fail to please God or fail to live how I should or just fail. But then I tell myself that God loves me and that is never going to change. Sometimes it is other people who say I will fail. What happens if....

But am I supposed to expect that everything will go wrong and try to prepare for it? Should I get several college degrees in case I can't make money teaching karate or I don't get married or I do and my husband dies? It is these people and the fear of failure that I don't understand. Aren't we supposed to trust in God and have faith that He is going to take care of us? Why can't I just do what I feel led to do right now instead of worrying that something really bad is going to happen. Am I supposed to teach karate or am I supposed to try to find some career that will make money that I'll end up hating forever?

Fear is powerful but God is far more powerful. I think that by trusting Him and not letting fear reign in our lives we can live as we were made to live. We were made to love God and be loved by Him. It's that simple.

He Will Sustain Me

So here I am today worrying about what will happen if God doesn't want me to get married or have kids. I am totally freaking out. How am I going to live wishing for something that will never happen? How am I going to be able to keep going. I knew I would have to give this up to God. I have to give up all my hopes and dreams. Having kids is something I have looked forward to since I was a little kid. I have to be willing to give this up. So I got in the car to drive to school and this is the song that I heard first thing:

Matthew West - More
From the album Happy

Take a look at the mountain
Stretching a mile high
Take a look at the ocean
Far as your eye can see
And think of me

Take a look at the desert
Do you feel like a grain of sand?
I am with you wherever
Where you go is where I am

And I'm always thinking of you
Take a look round you
I'm spelling it out one by one

CHORUS:
I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine, and you shine for me too
I love you yesterday and today and tomorrow
I'll say it again and again
I love your more

Just a face in the city
Just a tear on a crowded street
But you are one in a million
And you belong to me

And I want you to know
That I'm not letting go
Even when you come undone

Repeat Chorus

I love you more, yeah
Shine for me
Shine for me
Shine, you shine, you shine for me

Repeat Chorus

I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine, and you shine for me too
I love you yesterday and today through the joy and the pain,
I'll say it again and again
I love you more
I love you more
I see you, and I made you
And I love you more than you can imagine
More than you can fathom
I love you more than the sun
And you shine for me

How could I not want to give everything for God who loves me more than anything. This song made me cry as I realized that I needed to give up everything to Him. I might still end up getting married someday. But I had to get to the point where I had to give it up.

When I came home and checked facebook I read the verse on my profile.

Isaiah 46:4 "Even to your old age and gray hairs I am He, I am He who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you."

I realized that it is God who will carry me and sustain me whether I get married or not. My trust has to be in He who made me, and knows me, and loves me more than anyone else.

Whether it is God's will that I get married or not I must trust in Him to sustain me. I can't freak out whether I will marry the right one. I can't freak out that marriage won't be in my future. I have to let God love me and carry me and sustain me forever. Amen

First College Algebra Test

Yes!!!!! I feel so good about this test. It was the perfect thing to make my day better. It put me in a good mood and gave me confidence. I can't wait to see my grade.

Desire

Does God give desires that He chooses not to fulfill? I have been mulling over this question. I have a desire for a husband and children. Will these desires be fulfilled. I just always thought that if I have such a natural good desire then it will come true someday. But maybe it won't. Will I have to live the rest of my life full of unfulfilled desires? I think that would make life more unbearable than it is now. I have the hope of seeing my dreams come true but will they? Why would God give desires that He doesn't fulfill? But are these from God? Does He do this as part of the sanctification process?

So want am I supposed to do? Will having faith and absolutely believing that God will do certain things make them happen?

Made To Love

Toby Mac - Made To Love
From the album Portable Sounds

The dream is fading now I am staring at the door
I know it�s over cause my feet have hit the cold floor
Check my reflection, I ain't feeling what I see
It's no mystery

What ever happened to a passion I could live for?
What became of the flame that made me feel more?
And when did I forget�

Chorus:
That I was made to love You
I was made to find You
I was made just for You
Made to adore You
I was made to love and be loved by You
You were here before me
You were waiting on me
And You said You'd keep me never would You leave me
I was made to love
And be loved by You

The dreams alive with my eyes open wide
Back in the ring You got me swingin� for the grand prize
I feel the haters spittin� vapors on my dreams
But I still believe�

I'm reachin� out, reachin� up, reachin� over
I feel a breeze cover me called Jehovah
And Daddy I'm on my way�

Chorus:

Anything I would give up for You
Everything I give it all away

Hot Sauce

One of my brothers (Daniel) dared my brother Isaac to put three drops of World's Hottest Hot Sauce on his burrito a couple nights ago. Isaac took the dare and I decided to also. How hot could three drops be? So I carefully spread three drops on a tortilla, put meat and cheese and sour cream on it, rolled it up and took a bite. That was the hottest thing I have ever eaten. It burned. I didn't even finish the burrito. I drank two glasses of milk trying to cool off my mouth. I was crying it was so hot. Well I won't take a dare to eat spicy food again. I think my tongue still feels the effects from the hot sauce. Well maybe not.

Studying

I've been studying the whole afternoon. First I studied for my Psychology test in the morning, then for my second Basic Health test, which I'll be able to take as soon as Hancock's website is working, then I read a chapter in my US History book. I think I'm pretty much ready for my test tomorrow. I'm getting sick so I hope I'll feel okay. I want to spend the rest of the week trying to work ahead and take as many history tests as I can.