Having Faith in God Changes Our Actions

As I've grown older I've realized how I need to keep trusting God more each day. It's not enough to just trust in Him for eternal salvation. It's important to trust Him in the little things. Sometimes I find myself worrying about how we will pay bills and make ends meet. I'm not trusting that God will provide for us. Sometimes I feel like I have to plan everything out and worry if my plan will work. That is not trusting God either. I realize that my actions are showing that I don't trust God. So, I've decided to change my plans. Instead of trying to plan everything out I'm going to get ready for whatever God has in store for me and my family. For the last year or two we haven't had even one late bill. God has provided for us and He continues to do so. So why am I stressing? It's a choice that I'm making. To trust more instead of worrying. I'm on the path of life. God will provide what I need to continue in Him.

It's Been A While

It's been a while since I've posted. It's also been a while since I had an awesome encounter with God. Well, maybe I have had encounters with God lately, it has just looked different. I'm not caught up in emotions and feelings. That makes me feel kind of unfeeling, cold. But God has been doing a lot in my life. I see His blessings pouring out. Financial well-being, physical well-being, a healthy baby, a wonderful husband. Even the things that I was not satisfied with in my life have been changing. I wanted to read my Bible more and my husband suggested that we start reading a chapter each night. We haven't been reading every day but it has been great to open the Bible a few times a week instead of a couple times a month. God has given me the heart to give financially to fellow Christians in need through Samaritan Ministries. I see how my life has changed drastically and realize that my role as a Christian is changing too.

End of School

This morning I walked over to school to get a few things done. I couldn't help thinking about the past two and a half years there. I have learned so much and grown up so much as well. And soon it will all be in my past.

I remember when I first moved here. I woke up and cried because I was far away from home. Then I made friends with my roommates and another girl. This girl and I spent a lot of time together. My legs were very sore the first few weeks because of all the stairs I was climbing. I've hardly ridden in the elevator here.

I never got involved on campus in any clubs. I attended Campus Crusade for a while but didn't really connect. I enjoyed most of my classes. There were a few that I didn't like so much for various reasons but it was a positive experience overall. There are a few classes that I'll always remember.

Aikido - I took this class my first semester. I really enjoyed being able to dabble in another martial art. I even taught a few of the techniques in the dojo during our summer camp.

Biology - I remember being able to go on all these fun field trips and lab was fun. I remember the lab when we studied all different types of fruit and then we got to eat it. I tasted my first star fruit and fresh coconut. The lectures were fascinating.

Chemistry - This was my nightmare class. I didn't like it at all. But I did have fun in lab.

Nutrition - I just really enjoy learning about nutrition.

Group Fitness - This was a fun class. The tests were really easy and we did a lot of working out and experiencing all kinds of group exercise.

Principles of Human Movement - I was told that this was the hardest class but I found it easy. It was basically a physics class.

Principles of Strength and Conditioning - My teacher used a lot of bad language but once I got past that he was a crack up. It was a hard class but interesting.

Badminton - I connected with a set of twins and had a lot of fun playing with them all semester.

Volleyball - Just a lot of fun.

Physical Dimensions of Aging - An easy, fun class that I learned a lot in. The teacher was really good at keeping us engaged and participating.

Well, that turned into several so I better stop. Let's just say that most of the time I felt like I was having fun and playing. But then mid terms or finals would roll around and I would stress out like any other college student.

One of the things that I really enjoyed was my internship this semester. I learned so much in that. I also gained experience and it was fun!

Lots of other things happened here as well. I've shed lots and lots of tears in my dorm room. I've spent lots of time reading my Bible, praying, dancing (when no one was looking) and talking to my roommates. I had to deal with being away from home, missing my family and not being with them when they were going through tough times. I had to deal with my father getting sick and almost dying. I had to struggle through tough times along with my family. I had to deal with things that I never had experienced before like intense grief, sorry, depression, despair, and loneliness.

I did a lot of growing up. God did a lot to change me and to soften my heart. I got hurt a lot but I emerged stronger. And when I least expected it God gave me such intense joy and purpose. God sent a guy into my life and we started to fall in love with each other. It was a totally new experience. I learned (slowly) to open up and share my thoughts, feelings, struggles, and joys.

Part of me is sad to be done with school and leave this place. I have made friends and have had such fun times. But the other part of me is glad. For some reason I feel like if I leave this place then I will leave all that sadness behind as well. But I know that it isn't true. I will forever carry the memories and the scars of the past. But I know that they are a gift. I will be able to show my scars to those who are wounded and tell them that there is hope and that God will bring healing. I will be able to remember what it is like to hurt so much that I felt like my heart was ripped in two. I will be able to cry along with those who are hurting and tell them that there is always hope when we have Christ.

Wow, I opened up a lot more then I was going to in this post. I don't want to leave you sad and hurting for me. I have joy in my heart because God loves me. He has demonstrated this love towards us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Remember Christ's love.

God's Presence

One of the reasons I created this blog was to talk about my relationship with God. What He has done in my life and what He is doing. I feel like it is about time for another post.

In my relationship with God I'm the one with all the problems. If we aren't doing so well it's my fault. I have all the hurts and issues and questions and He is the constant one. I'm the one with the divided heart and the one that struggles and feels like I'm not even close. But as I think about all my problems I realize that God is bigger than all that. He looks past my failures and loves me for who I am. My issues don't keep Him away or stop Him from pursuing me. Even my sin is blotted out so nothing is between us. It is quite amazing to think about this love that is so deep and wide and long.

Lately I've been feeling like God is far away. I don't like long distance relationships. I need something close like right here beside me. I wonder why I don't feel God's presence like I used to. Maybe I'm not stilling my heart and my mind. Maybe God is choosing not to let me feel Him. Maybe what I felt before wasn't real. I don't believe the last one. It keeps on popping up in my mind though. But I know that I've felt the presence of God many times with different people at different churches. So I know that His presence is real. Maybe it's that I'm not hungry enough for God. There have been other times in my life that I've been hungry and desperate for God. I think the amazing thing is that even when I don't feel Him I know that He's here. I know that He will never leave me nor forsake me. I know that no matter what He is here beside me. Sometimes that promise is not enough for me. I want to feel Him, see Him, touch Him, hear Him. But for now I must cling to the hope that one day I shall be able to do these things.

God is good. He has given me so much in this life. He has given me more blessings than I could count. Most importantly He has given me eternal life. I love Him so much. I just want to love Him with all of my heart. But how can I do that?

Prayer Wardrobe

For some reason I feel like praying when I go into small enclosed spaces. I often pray when I am in the bathroom. Tonight I was feeling really sad and like a little kid I wanted to hide away. So I climbed into one of the empty wardrobes in my dorm room. Immediately, I said a short prayer and then after sitting there for only a minute I got out because I had homework to do. But then I realized that I really did need to pray. Someone actually asked for my prayer so I left my computer and homework and climbed back into the wardrobe with my Bible, a light, a pencil, paper and tape. I taped the paper up and started writing down names and praying for people. Then I read a chapter in my Bible. I didn't feel so alone while I was in there. I'm going to try to pray in there everyday for the rest of the semester.

A New Attitude

I have been really stressed out and even depressed for the past week or so. Today things are changing. I was in class and I heard exactly what I needed to hear. My professor was talking about stress and she said that what stresses people out is that they are not who they want to be. I realized that I am unsatisfied with where I am right now. I want to be closer to God, I want to trust Him fully, I want to be honest and open with my fiancee, I want to be able to forgive those who have hurt me, and I want to have more joy and fulfillment in life. I realize that I need to change my attitude. Instead of being unsatisfied, I need to be content with what I have. I want my fiancee to be here now but I have to be content with our phone calls for now. I need to have joy in whatever the circumstance and be grateful for what I do have.

There were a few other things that stood out to me and that I want to apply to my life. I need the will to continue to live in the face of challenges and to live joyfully. I need to persevere and have optimism, courage, commitment and dedication. Gratitude is very important as well as hope, faith and forgiveness. "...Forgiveness is not having to understand. Understanding may come later, in fragments, an insight here and a glimpse there, after forgiving."

And above all I need to put God first. That is the only way to insure that my life has meaning and a purpose. For I am nothing without Him.

Panic Attack

I'm not sure where I'm headed with this blog post. I just felt like blogging today even though it is too early to blog about today. I need someone to talk to. I have stuff going on and have known for while that I need to see a counselor. Well... this morning I'm having another one of those freak outs. I think I may be having a panic attack. I need help...

I decided that maybe I needed to read some scripture so I opened the Daily Light to today's reading. "I have indeed seen the misery of my people." This verse stuck out to me. Here I am feeling miserable, and God has the mercy to notice me. To know that God sees me in this time brings me comfort. The verses that follow talk about Jesus carrying our infirmities and diseases, about his suffering, weeping, and distress. Knowing that our Lord went through the same things that we are going through gives me comfort. Knowing that I am the apple of his eye and that He is always watching over me brings me comfort.

I just wish I would stop freaking out about my life.

"All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God."

I was recently pondering over this concept. I realized that I always fall short. Sometimes I fall shorter than other times. I find myself not loving God with everything I am. I don't live to my full potential and sometimes I fail altogether. But the blessed thing is that God's grace covers all my shortcomings.

A relationship works both ways. You have to meet half way. This is the same with my relationship with God. It works both ways. But the difference is that He makes up for my falling short. Sometimes He meets me half way but more often He meets me more than half way. If my salvation or even my relationship depended on my ability to love God and follow Him then I would be lost. Thanks be to God who makes up the difference that I lack.

A New Butterfly

Tiny came out of her chrysalis today. She is absolutely beautiful. Metamorphosis is such an amazing miracle. It shows how God has the power to change anything that He wishes. He can take something ordinary like a caterpillar and turn it into something extraordinary. I didn't get to see her emerge from her chrysalis but I still feel like I got to witness a miracle. God has given Tiny a new beginning.

The day is beautiful but not just because of Tiny. I have been nauseous and my stomach has been bothering me for over a month. This last weekend I went to the emergency room because I started throwing up. I was getting really discouraged and wondered if I would ever be able to enjoy food instead of eating it tentatively expecting to get sick from it. My boyfriend and another friend took care of me. I was not alone because I had them and God with me. Family and friends prayed for me and today I'm feeling better than I have for over a week. God is bringing healing to my body. I'm not back to normal but I know that if I take care of myself I will continue on this road to good health. So today is not just a new beginning for Tiny but it is a new beginning for me.

Step By Step

In October 2008 I posted this

http://miriamthemouse.blogspot.com/2008/10/jesus-freak.html

I also changed my about me blurb to "I am a young woman who is crazy in love with Jesus and willing to follow Him anywhere."

I have been dwelling on this recently. My one desire is to do the will of God. If God wants me to go I will go and if God wants me to stay then I will stay. I think that I have finally come to the point where I am ready to go wherever he leads. But I struggle with not knowing where I am headed. It is as if I can only see a few steps ahead. I know that I am on the right path but I can't see into the future. I have no idea how my life is going to change. It is hard to have faith that God will continue to show me the way. I guess I'm just frightened that one day I will be at a place with roads heading off in many different directions and will not know which one to chose. I'm afraid that I will be left stranded in a helpless state not knowing where to go.

So I have to remind myself that God will never leave me. I have to remind myself that God is going to show the way. I just have to take life one step of faith at a time while trusting that God will lead me. It's scary not to see ahead but I have the confidence that God will keep holding my hand throughout the journey.

He Has Restored Unto Me The Joy of His Salvation

I've been thinking back to a year ago and realized how far God has brought me. God was there with me during that time of pain and sorrow when I thought I was going to lose my Daddy. God was there when no one else could comfort me. God was there through the heartache and the pain. God was there drawing me back to His heart. In this past year God has been healing my heart from the sin and sorrow and making me new. It is amazing grace that has brought me to the place that I am now.

God has torn down walls in my life and given me the greatest grace and love. He has restored unto me the joy of His salvation and granted me a willing heart. God has given me a heart of greater love, forgiveness, and compassion. He has given me new friends that care about me and encourage me. I know that I will always have the scars to remind me of the past. But I am thankful of them because they remind me of how great my God is.

You may be going through a difficult time right now. I want to encourage you to press on and keep going. Let God bring you out of whatever you may be going through. He will not disappoint you. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Living Wholeheartedly

Three weeks ago I made a commitment to to God to follow Him 100% again. I don't know why my life has so many ups and downs but right now I am on a up and hope to be so forever. God is giving me strength to live a life of greater purity. It is difficult but God is strong and I rely on Him not myself. The past three weeks have not been perfect, they are not without difficulty, but they have been weeks of freedom.

Give Me a Pure Heart

Give Us Clean Hands by Chris Tomlin

We bow our hearts
We bend our knees
Oh Spirit come make us humble
We turn our eyes
From evil things
Oh Lord we cast down our idols

So give us clean hands
and give us pure hearts
Let us not lift our souls to another
Oh give us clean hands
and give us pure hearts
Let us not lift our souls to another
Oh God let this be
a generation that seeks
that seeks Your face, Oh God of Jacob
Oh God let us be
a generation that seeks
that seeks Your face, Oh God of Jacob


I can remember first singing this song at a youth conference that I went to. It really spoke to me then and this morning it convicted me. I would be a hypocrite if I let you think that this song describes me. It actually describes the opposite. I am prideful, looking at evil things and worshipping idols. I am not seeking after God. It makes me feel terrible to say it but one thing that I decided to do last year is to tell the truth more. If I lied and said that everything was peachy keen with me it wouldn't help me at all and would probably make you feel terrible because you are struggling with these things as well.

I want this song to describe me. I want to be humble before God and I want to turn my eyes away from the evil things around me. I want to turn my thoughts toward God. I want to be the generation that seeks after God. I want to have clean hands and a pure heart. Someone once told me last year that I had a pure heart and I wanted to tell them that I didn't. My heart it as bad as the person next to me. But if I want to seek after God isn't that seeking? I guess my hearts in the right place. I understand that I have a need for more of God in my life.

The truth of the matter is that I would be lower than dirt if it wasn't for the grace, forgiveness, and love of the Father who picked me up from the mud and raised me from my life of death. If it wasn't for the wonderful amazing grace of God I would still be dirtier than dirt. If it wasn't for the cleansing blood of Jesus then my heart would still be as black as coal. But God has saved me and raised me and made me whole. Jesus has cleansed me and now I am white as pure snow. It is amazing to think of the grace of God. I don't understand how I can be dirty yet clean. I just can't get my little brain around the awesomeness of God. But I suppose that is a good thing.

Not of This World

"Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, and I'm from some planet far far away."

I like to say this to be funny and explain why I just don't get certain cultural things. Being an alien explains why I don't know anything about sports or music or popular people. I don't always understand why people think the way that they do or act the way that they do.

But as I was thinking about this I realized that I am correct. I'm not of this world. This world is not my home, heaven is. Because I have stored treasures up in heaven, that is where my heart and my home is. But sometimes it is easy to forget where I belong and start acting like I belong in this world. And that is when I get myself into trouble.

Remember that God calls us to live in the world but not to be of the world. The world and its desires pass away but the man who does the will of God will live forever. Amen!

The Joy of Music

Earlier this evening I went to a Christmas music program at Hope. It reminded me of the joy that comes from music and worship. It made me thing back. I feel like my worship is not like it was. Just last year I was dancing in worship at my old church. I miss that now. I miss the abandonment and freedom. I miss giving my whole heart and soul. I miss the experience and the celebration.

Something has to change in my life. I need to devote myself to worship. I want to abandon myself and with freedom go crazy for God but something is holding me back. I wish I could experience that joy again.

I Run On

There has been so much going on in my life lately. I have just finished the last of my tests. I don't have any more tests until finals. I am registered for classes next semester as well as for intersession. I can see the end of school not that far ahead. I will be done next year in December.

God is amazing. He has promised to complete the work that He began. I had a breakdown and time of repentance last Saturday. I can honestly say that I feel different. I gave a lot up to God but it is freeing. I am almost scared that I'll take it all back but I am clinging on to God and He will give me the strength.

I am running on toward the goal.

Resist the Devil...

Too often I have lived my life on the edge. I have been straddling the fence, trying to please God while living for myself. Living for God is hard. But when we live for ourselves we find pain and sorrow.

I can't live like this anymore. Resisting the devil may seem easy. But its not because he gets inside your head. He tells you lies everyday trying to drag you down. But the voice of truth is louder. When we hear the voice of truth but do not listen we are disobeying God. But when we listen we please God. It is difficult but it is what God expects of us.

I'm going to flee more. Instead of letting the devil get to me I'm just going to run. It is easy to run physically but it is harder to run mentally. When my mind is not dwelling on pure things it is hard to bring it back to Godly things. But I must strive towards holiness. I don't care what happens, I must flee. O help me God!

Whatever You're Doing...

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

(Chorus)

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out

Sanctus Real

Healing

Isaiah 53:5 "But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed."

I have heard people quote this verse many times and tell me that we are healed from all ailments and injuries. I have heard someone say that God healed us 2000 years ago when He died on that cross. I have seen people take that verse and and tell me that I am healed of scoliosis (curvature of the spine). That Isaiah 53:5 is a promise that God will heal sickness and disease.

But I think a lot of people miss the whole point of the verse. He was wounded because we sinned. We are healed from death, sin, and destruction. Our hearts are healed when He removes our heart of stone and gives us a heart of flesh. This healing is a lot more appealing to me.

Last year I spent a lot of time praying that God would straighten my spine. But He has chosen not to. I realized that my focus was off. I don't want to gain a straight spine yet lose much more. Instead of praying for my back I started to pray that God would change my heart. I asked God to heal my heart of all the hurt and sin. I found out that the more important thing was my soul and my relationship with Christ. I am only going to use this body for a few more decades, but I will have my soul for eternity. Christ is the only thing that matters.

My neck has been sore for the past couple of weeks. Sometimes it is quite painful and stiff. I know that God has created my body to heal itself and that He is helping me through the pain. But I would be willing to suffer this neck pain for the rest of my life if it would bring me closer to Christ.

My prayer is not that all sickness gets wiped from the face of this earth. My prayer is that all people might come to know Christ and experience His love. My prayer is that people would repent. My prayer is that people would forgive each other. My prayer is that my brothers and sisters in Christ would be free from sin. My prayer is that Christ's body would be united.

One thing that I have learned this year is that heartache is far worse than any pain that I have experienced.

May God bring healing to your heart, soul, and body.

I'm Done With Finals!

After a tough semester I'm finally done. It is amazing to see how God led me through this year so far. He deserves all the glory. I actually finished my classes this semester.

I have big plans for this summer. I just decided that I am going to call this the summer of worship. One of my goals is to read the Old Testament this summer. I don't want to waste this summer. I want to learn more about God and develop a deeper relationship with Him. I want to seek His will over some things in my life so I know that I will be praying this summer too!. I want my relationship with God to be based on Him and not on my church. What I mean by this is that I want to worship God this summer on my own. I want to develop a personal time spent with God only. I want to worship on the beach, in the park, walking the streets, and maybe up in the hills. I want to sing my own song and dance my own dance and pray my own prayer.

I ask that God will keep me from falling. Falling hurts.

I want to read Practicing the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence.

I also want to spend time with my wonderful family. I want to spend time with my Daddy.

I have a few other goals that aren't as important like:

-Losing a few pounds of fat
-Gaining some more muscle
-Training kata (karate)
-Eating healthier than I have been
-Organizing my room

Most of the summer is going to be spent in the dojo. I'm looking forward to teaching and learning.