Baby!

We are going to have a baby! God has blessed us abundantly.

I'm Getting Married!!!!

I've been keeping another blog that is about my journey with my almost husband. It has made me neglect this blog. I thought it was about time that I post something new.

My life has changed drastically in the last eight months. I had no idea that I would meet the most amazing man, fall head over heels in love, get engaged, and then get married less than a year later. Life is good. God is good. I know that He brought us together. I never thought that I would fall in love so quickly and so deeply. But I did. I didn't think anyone would fall in love with me so quickly or so deeply. But he did. And now we are planning our wedding and spending the rest of our lives together. I'm excited about finishing school in eight weeks and then moving home. I'll be home for a month and then I'm getting married! I'm so excited for the day that I will become his wife.

22

My birthday is almost over. I thought I would take some time to think over the past year.

Last year I spent my birthday in Fullerton. I refused to go home because I wanted to go to my church on my birthday. So my family came down and went to church with me and then we all went out to eat at Souplantation. I regret doing that. I should have just went home like my family wanted me to.

I got really involved in my church. It became sort of like an addiction. I didn't want to miss church at all. By the end of spring I realized that it was time to move on from that church.

Last spring was really tough for me as you know from my previous posts. My father was really sick and we almost lost him. My family was going through a rough time and is still pulling through it. I was going through a lot of depression and searching for answers to some of life's toughest questions.

My summer was really weird. I lived like a hermit. I spent my days at the dojo and with my family.

I learned a lot this past year. I went through a lot of pain and sorrow. But I have a feeling that this next year is going to be full of joy.

I'm not going to write down everything that I learned. But the two most important things that I learned is that God is so amazing that I can't begin to put it into words and that family is the second most important thing in my life.

Family

I believe that family is important. My family is very close. We are each others best friends. That is how it has been since my brothers and I were tiny kids. This year has challenged that friendship between us. We have had to deal with stuff and issues that I never thought we would. Like my father getting sick and almost dying.

But these things only brought our family closer together. Yes we still have our issues. No we are not perfect. But we love each other with with a loyalty that is hard to find. I'm proud to be a part of my family.

This closeness is something that I want to replicate in the family that I will start someday with some man. I want to carry on my family tradition of friendship and loyalty.

My Daddy

My Daddy is one of the greatest men that I know. He is a very strong man with great principles. He is a man of integrity and honor. My Daddy is faithful and loving. He is a humble man. I admire him greatly because of his character.

He was very sick this year. The lessons that I learned from him during his time of sickness are valuable.

I learned that my Daddy:

1. Receives his strength from God. He spent countless hours reading God's Word and praying during the nights that he couldn't sleep. When he was at his sickest he was spiritually strong.

2. Has the greatest work ethic that I have heard about. He didn't let his sickness keep him from going to the office and working. When he couldn't go to the office he spent time with his kids and wife. My family grew stronger together during the time of his sickness.

3. Loves me. I knew that he loved me but when he was sick he kept on telling me how much he loves me.

I think my Daddy is the best Daddy in the world! I am so glad that he is better now. God has healed him from his sickness and has given him new strength.

Almost back to school...

I made big plans for the summer and only accomplished some of the things that I had set out to.

1. I didn't spend that much time worshiping God. I wanted to but it didn't happen. I was caught up in the busy days and sadly did not go up to the mountains like I wanted to. I don't feel like my relationship with God is any closer. Instead, I am more aware of my own sins.

2. I started to read Practicing The Presence of God but didn't get very far. I don't know why I can't seem to finish books anymore.

3. I did spend time with my family. My Daddy and I went out to dinner at the beginning of the summer. We had a great time together. This was a family summer.

4. I did lose some fat but I don't know about the muscle. LOL My eating habits were good about half the summer and bad the other half.

5. I trained kata. Not as much as I wanted to. But I did.

6. I managed to organize my room. I even got bins that fit under my bed to put clothes in.

I spent a lot of time in the dojo. I taught six weeks of summer camp. I also taught every afternoon that the dojo was open. I worked out and practiced my kata. I'm going to miss the dojo when I go back to school.

I'm Done With Finals!

After a tough semester I'm finally done. It is amazing to see how God led me through this year so far. He deserves all the glory. I actually finished my classes this semester.

I have big plans for this summer. I just decided that I am going to call this the summer of worship. One of my goals is to read the Old Testament this summer. I don't want to waste this summer. I want to learn more about God and develop a deeper relationship with Him. I want to seek His will over some things in my life so I know that I will be praying this summer too!. I want my relationship with God to be based on Him and not on my church. What I mean by this is that I want to worship God this summer on my own. I want to develop a personal time spent with God only. I want to worship on the beach, in the park, walking the streets, and maybe up in the hills. I want to sing my own song and dance my own dance and pray my own prayer.

I ask that God will keep me from falling. Falling hurts.

I want to read Practicing the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence.

I also want to spend time with my wonderful family. I want to spend time with my Daddy.

I have a few other goals that aren't as important like:

-Losing a few pounds of fat
-Gaining some more muscle
-Training kata (karate)
-Eating healthier than I have been
-Organizing my room

Most of the summer is going to be spent in the dojo. I'm looking forward to teaching and learning.

Daddy's Surgery

My Daddy had surgery today. He had a tumor on his pituitary gland which the surgeon removed this morning. The surgery went well and my Daddy is recovering quite nicely. Hopefully he will be released from the hospital on Saturday.

My Hope Is In Christ Jesus

For some reason I've decided to share my heart today.

I've been having a rough time this semester. My Daddy's been sick since September last year and it is only now that the doctors have realized what is wrong. His hormone levels are low and the problem is being caused by a cyst on his pituitary gland. He will have to get surgery.

It has been hard to focus on studying. I seem to get distracted by everything going on around me and I lack motivation. Even getting C's on my tests aren't motivating me enough to study more. But my bad test scores are making me feel bad like I'm a loser. I didn't realize how important it was for my pride to get good grades.

I've been struggling a lot also. It seems like my old sins are taking control again. I waste a lot of time also. I've also been struggling with lack of passion for God. I want more of Him but I don't feel that same passion as before.

Then there is all the stuff that I can't talk about. I think that stuff is burdening me more that anything else. I can't talk about it because it is stuff that people have sworn me to secrecy about. Some of it gives me heartache while some of it just burdens me.

This last week I thought to myself that if God didn't exist I would kill myself. (No, I'm not in danger of suicide). If you believe that there is a God than you don't have to worry about me. But I'm sharing this because that is how hopeless this world is without Jesus. If there was no God or Jesus then this would be a hopeless world. But God does exist and not only that He loves us.

God is bringing me through all the pain and hurt. He is my only hope. When all other hope is lost I can still look to God and know that there will be better days ahead. God is the only thing worth living for. I don't feel like I'm doing a very good job living for God but His grace covers over a multitude of sins. Jesus is not only life, He is my life. In Him I live and move and have my being.

Opa

Opa is German for grandfather. My Opa is one of the most amazing men I know. Today I went to to the church he pastors. He is 75 and still pastors a small church of around 30 people. I was struck by the realization of how much he loves God. He sang a solo which was the most beautiful thing. It was beautiful because I could see how much he loved Jesus. My Opa's eyes light up when he sings or talks about Jesus. I enjoyed seeing the joy in his eyes and on his face. I am so grateful to have christian grandparents. But I am even more thankful that I have grandparents who love Jesus so much.

Moving

I'm leaving. I thought I would never leave home to go to college but now I am. I am leaving this weekend to move into my dorm. I'll be there a week before school starts. I made up my mind last January to transfer to Cal State Fullerton. Now that it is a reality I am getting scared. I have been depressed at the thought of leaving home. I'm going to miss my family a lot. I'm also going to miss everyone at the dojo. My going away party was last weekend. It hit me real hard. I'm actually leaving. I know that it won't be too bad when I get there and settle in. But I am still scared at the thought of it all.

There is so much still to do before I leave this weekend. I have finished most of my shopping. I'm packing my things this week. I'll be cleaning my room from top to bottom on Thursday in order to leave it cleaner than it has been in a long time.

There are things that I am looking forward to. I'm looking forward to making new friends. I'm looking forward to new experiences and learning new things. I'll be missing a lot back home but I'll be doing and experiencing enough new things to make up for it. At least that is what I tell myself.

New Years 2008

This year has gotten off to a great start! I think it is amazing how my family started this year on the right track with prayer. We pray every New Year's Eve, but this year we also had an awesome prayer time on the 1st. I thought it was really cool to be praying. Then yesterday I had this conversation with a classmate. She opened up and shared a lot of stuff about her past. I encouraged her to find a church and other believers. I know that it was a divine encounter. Last night when I went to pick Daniel up from youth group they were still singing. One of the songs was about giving our whole life to the Lord. It was the first time I could sing about giving everything to God with truth. I always want to hold onto things, but last night I felt free. I just want this year to be one that I will spend in prayer. I understand that I can't do anything without God. But I also understand that I have to do things. I can't live my life not doing things out of fear. God, I surrender all. This is the first time I mean it with all my heart.

Knee Surgery

My brother Isaac (17) injured his knee and tore a ligament last week. He needs to have surgery to attach the ligament. Isaac is already restless. The surgery is going to be on the 29th of this month. It will be three to six months recovery. He won't be able to work or do much. It is going to be hard for him to take it easy and hold back.

Night Dune Hike

Last night my Uncle, Aunt, and cousins were camping at the Oceano Dunes and we went to hang out with them. After roasting hotdogs we decided to go on a hike through the dunes. So off we went taking turns carrying James, Jeremiah, and Abigail. Abigail did some walking herself. It was a beautiful night and the weather was perfect. It was so nice walking and climbing up the dunes. I think I would like to go sometime with my friends. But next time I don't think I'll carry anybody.

Relationships

Here I am today feeling rather lonely. How can I feel lonely when I have a big family? Why do I feel like something or someone is missing? Ever since I can remember I've wanted kids. The desire has grown stronger as I've gotten older. I see the relationship that my Mother has with us and want that for myself. It is a desire that is so strong. I feel like part of me is missing. Recently my desire for marriage has deepened. But I don't understand marriage. The more I think about it the more it is a mystery to me. I see many marriages around me, both good and bad. But I don't fully comprehend the bond between a man and a woman. It is something so powerful yet so mysterious that it baffles me. I guess I understand the bond between a Mother and child because I experience it from the child's point of view. But marriage scares me deep inside. How can I desire something, yet fear it?

God has put desires into my heart. Some of these desires I can satisfy on earth, but there is one desire that cannot be satisfied. To put it in simple words: I want to see Jesus. I want to see Jesus more than anything. I am lonely because I need to be closer to Jesus. If I was fully satisfied and perfect then I wouldn't need Jesus. But I am a child who is struggling. I need Jesus more than anything in this world. I think that by waiting for a husband and children I learn to wait for Jesus.

Small Miracle

Last weekend I went down to my Grandma's house in Beaumont (near Banning). I drove down with my Father and three brothers to pick up my Grandma's truck (she is giving it to Isaac). On Saturday afternoon I drove the truck home with Isaac. My Grandma's truck is almost thirty years old so we were not sure if it would make the drive home. It lugged down on the hills coming home but did very well until we were coming up out of the Gaviota Pass. There is a long steep hill right there. The truck bogged down and Isaac put it into first gear. But then the truck started to sputter and I pulled over just as it died. The truck would not start back up. We sat there letting the engine cool. Then Isaac put some water in the radiator. I tried to start the truck again but nothing happened. So we prayed and then called our Father to pray for us. Then I tried again. But nothing happened. I knew that God had the power to start the engine so I turned the key again and it started!!! We said, "thank you God" and started slowly chugging up the hill. We made it to the top and all the way home.

I thought it was cool that God kept us safe, started the truck and brought us home. People say that there are no miracles now days, but there are. I just witnessed one.

One more thing. My brother Isaac has been unable to start the truck again.