Alone

Sometimes marriage can be lonely. You forget what loneliness feels like and then you feel it. You can feel so alone even with a baby attached to you 24/7. I just have this lonely ache right now as I wait for my husband to get home from visiting friends.

End of School

This morning I walked over to school to get a few things done. I couldn't help thinking about the past two and a half years there. I have learned so much and grown up so much as well. And soon it will all be in my past.

I remember when I first moved here. I woke up and cried because I was far away from home. Then I made friends with my roommates and another girl. This girl and I spent a lot of time together. My legs were very sore the first few weeks because of all the stairs I was climbing. I've hardly ridden in the elevator here.

I never got involved on campus in any clubs. I attended Campus Crusade for a while but didn't really connect. I enjoyed most of my classes. There were a few that I didn't like so much for various reasons but it was a positive experience overall. There are a few classes that I'll always remember.

Aikido - I took this class my first semester. I really enjoyed being able to dabble in another martial art. I even taught a few of the techniques in the dojo during our summer camp.

Biology - I remember being able to go on all these fun field trips and lab was fun. I remember the lab when we studied all different types of fruit and then we got to eat it. I tasted my first star fruit and fresh coconut. The lectures were fascinating.

Chemistry - This was my nightmare class. I didn't like it at all. But I did have fun in lab.

Nutrition - I just really enjoy learning about nutrition.

Group Fitness - This was a fun class. The tests were really easy and we did a lot of working out and experiencing all kinds of group exercise.

Principles of Human Movement - I was told that this was the hardest class but I found it easy. It was basically a physics class.

Principles of Strength and Conditioning - My teacher used a lot of bad language but once I got past that he was a crack up. It was a hard class but interesting.

Badminton - I connected with a set of twins and had a lot of fun playing with them all semester.

Volleyball - Just a lot of fun.

Physical Dimensions of Aging - An easy, fun class that I learned a lot in. The teacher was really good at keeping us engaged and participating.

Well, that turned into several so I better stop. Let's just say that most of the time I felt like I was having fun and playing. But then mid terms or finals would roll around and I would stress out like any other college student.

One of the things that I really enjoyed was my internship this semester. I learned so much in that. I also gained experience and it was fun!

Lots of other things happened here as well. I've shed lots and lots of tears in my dorm room. I've spent lots of time reading my Bible, praying, dancing (when no one was looking) and talking to my roommates. I had to deal with being away from home, missing my family and not being with them when they were going through tough times. I had to deal with my father getting sick and almost dying. I had to struggle through tough times along with my family. I had to deal with things that I never had experienced before like intense grief, sorry, depression, despair, and loneliness.

I did a lot of growing up. God did a lot to change me and to soften my heart. I got hurt a lot but I emerged stronger. And when I least expected it God gave me such intense joy and purpose. God sent a guy into my life and we started to fall in love with each other. It was a totally new experience. I learned (slowly) to open up and share my thoughts, feelings, struggles, and joys.

Part of me is sad to be done with school and leave this place. I have made friends and have had such fun times. But the other part of me is glad. For some reason I feel like if I leave this place then I will leave all that sadness behind as well. But I know that it isn't true. I will forever carry the memories and the scars of the past. But I know that they are a gift. I will be able to show my scars to those who are wounded and tell them that there is hope and that God will bring healing. I will be able to remember what it is like to hurt so much that I felt like my heart was ripped in two. I will be able to cry along with those who are hurting and tell them that there is always hope when we have Christ.

Wow, I opened up a lot more then I was going to in this post. I don't want to leave you sad and hurting for me. I have joy in my heart because God loves me. He has demonstrated this love towards us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Remember Christ's love.

Coughing

I've been sick with a cough for the past few days. It's sorta annoying to go from hectic busy schedule to now spending the whole day at home. But I still manage to keep myself occupied. My computer keeps me busy chatting with my boyfriend, watching Hulu, blogging and facebook. I cooked dinner last night which wiped me out and then I went to bed early.

Coughing is annoying because it makes your lungs hurt, your ribs and back ache and gives you a headache and a sore throat. But you all know that because you have had coughs before. I guess I'm just being impatient today. I want to be over this sickness. I'm tired of all this.

Angel

Most people have a pet sometime in their life. All of these pets die sooner or later. We understand that death is a part of life. I've had few pets and Angel was the one that I had the longest. I never had the experience of my pet dying until today. I cried a lot. I cried more than when my brother's dog died. Angel was the sweetest bird that I have ever seen. She was pretty and soft. She only bit me once and that was when I startled her. This morning I had to bury her years before I thought I would. I will always remember her.

A More Loving Heart

A much loved man went home to heaven last night. He touched the hearts of many people. My friends are grieved over his death. My regret is that I did not open my heart out to him and get to know him and his wonderful wife. My heart aches for my friends and those I know in the community. I feel like I missed out on knowing yet another person. But I know that one day I will go to heaven and meet all the people who I wished I knew on earth and all my loved ones as well.

My hope is that I would be able to follow in the example of my friend who opens her heart to all people that she encounters. I want to be like her. I pray that God will give me a more loving heart.

I'm Here Again

I think it started yesterday when I looked at a picture of a friend on facebook who is pregnant. It started to pull a feeling out of the depths of my heart, a yearning that has always been there. It made me realize how single I am and how far away from marriage that I feel. I suppose most women have a natural desire to have babies. But for me it seems like the desire won't be fulfilled for a long time.

So for now I just wait with an ache in my heart. I wait for the part of my life that is missing, the part that wants to be filled.

22

My birthday is almost over. I thought I would take some time to think over the past year.

Last year I spent my birthday in Fullerton. I refused to go home because I wanted to go to my church on my birthday. So my family came down and went to church with me and then we all went out to eat at Souplantation. I regret doing that. I should have just went home like my family wanted me to.

I got really involved in my church. It became sort of like an addiction. I didn't want to miss church at all. By the end of spring I realized that it was time to move on from that church.

Last spring was really tough for me as you know from my previous posts. My father was really sick and we almost lost him. My family was going through a rough time and is still pulling through it. I was going through a lot of depression and searching for answers to some of life's toughest questions.

My summer was really weird. I lived like a hermit. I spent my days at the dojo and with my family.

I learned a lot this past year. I went through a lot of pain and sorrow. But I have a feeling that this next year is going to be full of joy.

I'm not going to write down everything that I learned. But the two most important things that I learned is that God is so amazing that I can't begin to put it into words and that family is the second most important thing in my life.

Those Who Hope in The Lord

This post is a follow up on My Hope Is In Christ Jesus.

My Daddy had his surgery last week. It went very well and he was recovering fast so they released him from the hospital on Saturday. My parents came straight home (the hospital was a three hour drive from home) and arrived in the early afternoon. I had arrived home on Friday and was happy that I could spend more time with my parents. We had a good Easter together with my younger brothers. We read through and talked about the book of Galatians and then had a wonderful dinner.

I've been a little more motivated to study. The end of the semester is in sight and so is the end of my formal learning. When I was home on spring break I decided not to go to chiropractic school. It was making me stress more and I wasn't even sure I wanted to be a chiropractor. Being home made me realize how wonderful it is to have a family and a home. It also made me realize how much I enjoy teaching karate. Karate is my passion. I could be a wonderful chiropractor but I could also do anything else that I set my mind to. This decision has taken a load off of me.

I've found new strength in God to resist the devil. I have been spending more time with God. Not formal sit down and read/pray time but informal walking around and talking time. I am happier spending more time dwelling on the goodness of God.

About all that stuff I can't talk about. I still can't talk about it. But I have brought it to God and given it up to Him. I have been calling on Him daily to help me through this time in my life. It is a hard time for me. But God is good.

Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.

My Hope Is In Christ Jesus

For some reason I've decided to share my heart today.

I've been having a rough time this semester. My Daddy's been sick since September last year and it is only now that the doctors have realized what is wrong. His hormone levels are low and the problem is being caused by a cyst on his pituitary gland. He will have to get surgery.

It has been hard to focus on studying. I seem to get distracted by everything going on around me and I lack motivation. Even getting C's on my tests aren't motivating me enough to study more. But my bad test scores are making me feel bad like I'm a loser. I didn't realize how important it was for my pride to get good grades.

I've been struggling a lot also. It seems like my old sins are taking control again. I waste a lot of time also. I've also been struggling with lack of passion for God. I want more of Him but I don't feel that same passion as before.

Then there is all the stuff that I can't talk about. I think that stuff is burdening me more that anything else. I can't talk about it because it is stuff that people have sworn me to secrecy about. Some of it gives me heartache while some of it just burdens me.

This last week I thought to myself that if God didn't exist I would kill myself. (No, I'm not in danger of suicide). If you believe that there is a God than you don't have to worry about me. But I'm sharing this because that is how hopeless this world is without Jesus. If there was no God or Jesus then this would be a hopeless world. But God does exist and not only that He loves us.

God is bringing me through all the pain and hurt. He is my only hope. When all other hope is lost I can still look to God and know that there will be better days ahead. God is the only thing worth living for. I don't feel like I'm doing a very good job living for God but His grace covers over a multitude of sins. Jesus is not only life, He is my life. In Him I live and move and have my being.

God Will Strengthen Me

I Peter 5:8-10 "Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world. But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you."

These verses describe my life this week. The devil came and tried to destroy me but I remained steadfast. I am now in the suffering stage but soon God will perfect, establish, strengthen and settle me. Isn't that a wonderful promise?

I Want to Hold Your Hand

There are days that are lonelier than others. They are not necessarily the days when I am alone. The days that I feel the loneliest is when I have spent time with other people and then I leave or they leave. I feel really lonely then. My heart aches for something more. Today is one of those days.

Sometimes it seems like no guys pay any attention to me. I wonder if I'm invisible. My heart aches for someone to notice me. My heart aches for a companion. I want someone to love. I want to hold their hand and feel the strength of their grip on my hand.

I know God has plans for me and that I am supposed to follow them. But how do I know what they are? I think God wants me to go to chiropractic school but I'm not sure. How do I know what God wants for me? How do I know if God has someone in store for me. Why is God silent? Does silence mean that God wants me to finish school before He will tell me if I am to marry someone. I am scared. What happens if God does tell me to do something. What if I don't want to do it? What if God asks me to leave my family and go to another country? What if I never hear God? How will I know what steps to take? I wish I could just hold His hand. Then there would be no fear of going the wrong way. Sometimes I wish I could throw everything away and run into the arms of Jesus. Some day I will. Some day I will meet Jesus in the clouds. I will be in heaven with Him and then I will rein with Christ. Life will not be confusing then. Life will be perfect when I'm holding hands with Jesus. I want to hold Your hand.

Katie Marie Van Duren

I met her at Camp Good News three years ago. This morning I read her obituary in the Tribune. She died last Sunday in the early morning. It was sad to hear of her death but not too shocking. I knew that she suffered from heart and lung problems. She had always been open and matter of fact about it. She had a great sense of humor and was fun to talk to. She participated in almost all of the camp activities so I didn't realize that it was that serious. I didn't know that her sister had died. I looked at the picture in the paper and cried because she was only 13. I know that she has gone to be with Jesus.

Legal Murder

I gave this speech in class last week and it turned out good. So I thought I would post it here for everyone to read.

Disposable People

America is a wasteful society. We have disposable dishes, paper towels, and diapers. We throw away vast amounts of stuff everyday. But stuff is not the only thing we throw away. Let me tell you about what I call the disposable people. Disposable people are those that are thrown away because no one wants them. I am talking about abortion and euthanasia.

So what is the problem with abortion? Abortion is the leading cause of death claiming about 3,700 victims everyday. That is 1.3 million abortions per year. Over 40 million babies have been aborted since 1973. This far out numbers all soldier fatalities going back to the revolutionary war. 1/3 of people are being aborted. We could have killed the next Einstin, or delayed finding the cure for cancer and AIDS. So why are these babies being aborted? 93% of abortions are because the baby is unwanted or the timing is “inconvenient”.

Euthanasia is not yet legal in the United States but people are trying to legalize it. Euthanasia is killing a patient who is suffering and going to die anyway. Sometimes the overdose of medication is given to the patient so he can end his life if he chooses and other times it is the family that decides when the Doctor should mercifully end the life of the patient. Physician assisted suicide is legal in Oregon where a Doctor can prescribe a lethal dose of medication to a patient who is terminally ill and wishes to end their life.

Duet 30:19 This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live

Euthanasia brings several questions to mind. Are terminally people in the right frame of mind to be making the decision? What keeps Euthanasia from getting out of hand? Will euthanizing children be made legal?

We must make sure that we do not end up like Germany under Hitler. Hitler killed Jews, Christians, and anyone who did not fit into his “perfect race”. My Grandmother remembers one day when they took all the handicapped people away and killed them just for being defective.

Our future relies on the unborn children. They are our future Doctors, Scientists, and leaders.

So what can we do to stop this? Raise people’s awareness and vote when these issues come up. Put an end to legal murder and stop abortion and Euthanasia.

But overall we must value all life and put an end to disposable people.

Empty

Why am I left feeling so empty? Why am I so sad? Is it selfish for me to want more? I feel like I'm going to cry. I feel like it is all a big mistake. I don't want to have to risk it. I just want to feel good inside. I don't want to feel empty inside.

Why on earth did I take 20 units?

I feel so overwhelmed with school. I'm not even doing that much. I have tons of assignments due and homework to finish. But I just feel too overwhelmed. For the past few weeks I have gone into "I can't do it so I'm not motivated." It is so hard to be disciplined and prioritize my life. I feel horrible. I keep on forgetting to complete assignments on time. I have two tests this week and one next week. I'm not even sure I can pass my chemistry and history classes. Why did I let myself get talked into taking 20 units this semester? Well, part of it was my idea. I thought if I was too busy with school then I would have no time to think about boys. That was stupid. I know now that the only way to not think about boys is going into solitude and living like a hermit. So what have I learned this semester besides that I don't ever want to take 20 units again and I don't want to take chemistry ever in my life? I learned that I just can't handle it. I learned that if a boy is on your mind then there is no way of getting him off unless you prove to yourself that it is never going to happen. (that is a confusing sentence and I think I'm the only one that understands it) I learned that it is horrible to be so busy you don't have time to do stuff.

What do I want to do next semester? Take only 12 units. I want to get involved in my church. It has really bugged me that I can't this semester. I feel like school is a burden and a trap. It is really hard for me to spend time with God. I have time for Him but I end up wasting it. I feel like.... I don't use bad language.

Yearning

These lyrics describe how I feel today. I wanted to write it all out, so I did. It might not make sense. Maybe you would be better off not reading it. Sorry it is so bad but I'm not a pro. It just describes how my achy breaky heart feels.

Yearning

I'm wanting to start the next chapter in my life
wanting to become someone else's wife

Yearning for change
Yearning for love
Yearning for sacrifice

I'm looking for the one who will change my life
looking for a man to be his wife

Yearning for change
Yearning for love
Yearning for sacrifice

Knee Surgery

My brother Isaac (17) injured his knee and tore a ligament last week. He needs to have surgery to attach the ligament. Isaac is already restless. The surgery is going to be on the 29th of this month. It will be three to six months recovery. He won't be able to work or do much. It is going to be hard for him to take it easy and hold back.

Aches and Pains

I have scoliosis which is a curve in the spine from side to side. My back has been more sore than usual for the past couple of weeks. My neck has been really sore and keeps on going out. When my back and neck are "out of whack" I sometimes get shooting nerve pain. It feels like a pinch in my lower back. I have been getting really discouraged recently. I wonder if I will have this back pain for the rest of my life. I wonder how bad it will get when I become pregnant someday. But pain won't stop me from having kids.

Can God heal me? Can He straighten my spine and make it new? I don't know if it is God's will to heal me and stop my pain. But I know that God will get me through this. I know that He will help me and give me strength.